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Now you've jizzed... and jizzing is half the battle [entries|friends|calendar]
Now you've jizzed, and jizzing is half the battle

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School starts back tomorrow... [17 Aug 2009|01:53pm]
I thought this place had been destroyed on the web. I reckon it's cool that it's not. I'm ready to take on the new semester tomorrow-well as ready as I'll ever be I suppose. Oh well I hope it's not too bad these days.
1 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

[08 Aug 2007|11:16am]
Life more or less is at a stand still for me these days. Not too much going different, and not anything going wrong either. So, I'd have to say things are going great. I'm traveling around you know and that sort of thing-but I'm more or less in the mode of waiting on things. I'd have to say that the biggest thing I'm waiting as of late is school. I wouldn't say I'm necessarily looking forward to it, but then again, I'm not really completely dreading it either. More or less, it's kind of like how I felt going into my last semester at Montevallo. Half of me is just ready to get it all over with and get my degree and move on with my life. The other half doesn't really want this phase of my life to end. After all, doesn't this commencement finally state that all of my boyhood is over. From here, I move into the life of a boring adult with nothing much ever going on in my life. Some people, claim that this movement in life is necessary and it's all part of growing up. I wonder how true that is. Like him or not, Benjamin Franklin never had a boring life. All of his years were quite fulfilled and never without interesting occurrences.

Therefore, I hope to live an interesting and landmarked life just like the man on the $100 bill did. I'm going to grab this LARP and run it until they strip it from me. I'm going to run this thing until I can't do it anymore. A few people have told me that it's childish for me to play pretend. Is is it really? I've never seen anyone tell Tom Hanks it's childish for him to play a star role in his next film. Or, what about the wrestling that I watch. Are those guys not pretending to be someone else? Wait a minute, what about a lot of our politicians these days? Seems to me, they're pretending a lot of the time to be someone else.

Well people, I've honestly got nothing else to throw down on here. Until next time, keep it up in a great light or it all might just go dim.
2 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

My Mirage of Comfort. [11 Mar 2007|07:18pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Well, I cannot really exactly explain what troubles me on this day. There are various reasons, but the most important one in this case is that I just simply cannot portray these feelings well enough with only the written word. It’s one of those experiences that if you’ve never felt them, then you won’t know what I mean. For those who do know what I mean, then such an intelligence only stems from lessons learned in life.

Have you ever had that one thing you wanted so bad right beside you?? Have you felt like it was yours, yet somehow it wasn’t? I mean, I know this is confusing, but have you thought about how sometimes the thing in life you hold most dear is right there, yet it’s soooo far away you cannot ever imagine obtaining such a fleeting commodity? If you’ve thought about something along those same lines, then you know what’s bothering me. If, by chance, you haven’t, I suggest you discontinue reading this blog because it will not make sense.

At the moment, it feels as if I’m standing on a mirage. My feet feel nice against the soft and fertile grass. This oasis is comforting to say the least with the pleasant breeze wafting off the palm trees. The water is spectacular in its clearness, and a better beverage is impossible to find. In beauty, the piece of land you have found is the most beautiful you could ask for. The more you walk around on the oasis, the more it becomes your sanctuary and the more you realize how much better it is than the desert around you.

Yes, that desert with its beasts and hard lands waits just at the end of your safe place. The lion stalks around with her teeth writhing in anguish hoping to find the chance to pounce on you and synch around your still beating heart and destroying its very existence. The hyenas chuckle with their infamous humor having some sort of smirk on their face. Their eyes have the mirth of a knowledge you have yet to learn. It’s like they know something you don’t, and they can’t wait to share it with you. The heat of the desert hasn’t left either. The searing sand is just far enough away so that it won’t hurt, but you cannot escape its existence. The waves of pure steam can be seen all around you, and you know this temperature would undoubtedly destroy you. The vultures circle mindlessly, waiting for their next meal to succumb to the toils of the fabled desert land.

All of this, though, is unimportant to you. After all, you’re on your oasis. Wait a minute? Did you forget it’s a mirage? All of these things on your oasis weren’t ever really there. You realize that oasis you’ve started to love standing in and to enjoy, isn’t there at all. Rather, it’s off in the distance further than it’s ever been. You see it and realize you’ll never reach it no matter how hard you might press forward. There are too many forces that the desert has to keep you from ever getting to that place of beautiful sanctuary and comfort. You’ll never reach the please you got so used to, the place that was your solace in the troublesome things all over the desert.

It’s not really the thought that the desert’s minions are going to destroy you. Indeed, your defense from any of their attacks is too far gone to protect you. No, it’s not that fact at all. Nor is it the fact that the oasis is gone, though your life is now permanently void from any help it would offer to fight off the desert. No, the problem is that it was never yours. The oasis is real, it’s not a mirage. But, it’s not for you. It’s never going to be yours and the idea that it was ever yours…well my friend, that’s more of an illusion than a mirage could ever hope to create to dash your spirits. No, the pain was in the pseudo nature of the time you spent on the oasis. You thought it was yours. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. Don’t forget, it will never be yours either. You know that, but it won’t make it ever feel better.

3 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

Wow-Cubs don't Win on Valentine's Day. [15 Feb 2007|08:20pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Well, I must now install another virtual update of my insane life and the wacky workings of the immediate world around me. Firstly, how about a cheers to yet another shitty Vanlentine's Day for me. I realize that many people out there realize that they have no one as a significant other and it really sucks when they think about it. Eh...that's not really bothering me at the moment. No, what bothers me is something that would bother me if it happened in September. Call me what you will, say what you will about me, but I would never do to me what my friend did. Or, better yet, I would never do to him what he did to me. He knew who my crush was and how much I thought of her. He knew how much I liked her simply as a person. Honestly, I wouldn't be so hurt by him trying to make out with her, had he not explicitly stated, "She's yours man, you know I would never do something like that to you. I know how much you like her." In the midst of that statement, he also kissed my forehead to signify the ultimate in validity as to what he was saying.

No, I never claimed any kind of relationship with my crush other than friendship. In fact, I have said on numerous occassions that we are just friends and I have no right to become angry if another one of our group asked her out. I hadn't asked her out yet because I just hadn't felt it was the right time. I'm not saying she would have necessarily said yes to me, I am just letting my audience know that it hasn't been the right time as of yet for myself. Besides, if I never feel a gut instinct to ask someone out, the I most likely should not. I just simply wanted to get to know her better and know more about who she was as a person. Yes, she's a beautiful person, something of which I've told her before-but I figured I needed more than just a pretty smile to ask of her affection on even one "official" date, which we've never been on I do want to make that clear as to not offend her.

The more I got to know her, the more I liked about her. It went beyond her face to liking her crazy antics and hyperactive mood. For whatever reason, I just liked it and I cannot explain why. She also has a genuine care for people and a love for humanity; well, until she gets angry. Hanging out with her, just having her company, I simply wanted it more often. I missed her when I left the place I love so much and I hated not seeing her on Valentine's Day. I need someone to keep my creativity flowing when I'm on an agenda. After all, I'm going to be on many agendas in life so I cannot really afford to maintain the intesne focus I have all the time. I need someone who acts goofy and plays around and talks in flamboyant ways to keep me from going too serious and too melancholy as I have been known to become over time.

Anyway, the point is that I really liked her a lot. While I did have a lot of affection for her, I would not have been too terribly angry at him simply kissing a girl that I liked. I mean sure, you're never thrilled when someone you like kisses someone else, we've all felt it before and never feels like a euphoric shot of methadone in your body. Rather, it seems like a raging hot blast of hydrocloric acid right in your ass on the left butt cheek. Still, that's not what hurt so bad in this instance. No, what hurt so bad was the fact that he said he would never do anything like that. He made the ultimate gesuture of his word by a kiss on the forehead. I feel betrayed and heartbroken. He stung me, he stung me bad. I could never do that to a friend if I felt it hurt them. Sorry for pitching a bitch, and if the person that I like realizes or has realized that I like them, then I'm sorry for you finding out like this...This was something I needed to say.

JIZZ!

The strange game [20 Sep 2006|02:07pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

You know, sometimes, life just seems so odd to me. I am convinced that God is a Ragabash. Yes, he has a wonderful sense of humor, however, sometimes I fail to completely understand that humor. Indeed, at times I feel as though he's some sort of manevolent power who simply plays our strings like puppets in order for him to have a divine laugh or two. It is a strange world no doubt, and only someone so far above us could've really created such an awesome creation. Don't misunderstand me, I do believe God is actually benevolent and loves everyone equally. It's just that sometimes my human mind cannot at all comprehend what good came out of a certain situation.

Self-righteous Christians seem to avoid me as of late. I see this not as a bad thing, however, I have learned that while I've been busy lashing out a Christians who deem themselves better and I throw insults and bash them, I have realize that I am commecning to undergo the same process in the guise of a different veil. I cannot contiue to lash out at fellow believers because they lash out at nonbelievers. No, either way I think is wrong and it was Christ who taught us to love beyond all else. "Love thy neighbor as you love thyself, and love God above all else." In my mind, Jesus made it quite clear what was important during our time on this earth. I have been guilty at times, especially in the last year, at bashing and verbally assualting the "mainstream" Christians for slamming non-Christians. I need to stop looking at the speck in my brother's eye, and look at my reflection to notice the gigantic plank that stands in mine. We're children of God, and the most important sometimes hardest thing to remember is that to love people is to love God. No matter their beliefs, views, things of that nature.

Yes, there are indeed a great deal of religious overtones in this entry. Well, I wouldn't religious overtones as I would say that it's entirely about my shortcomings as a Christian. I guess I just figured I need to set the record straight for myself really.

1 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

The Auburn Days have arrived... [22 Aug 2006|04:20pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Wow, the days at Auburn University have finally started. I cannot believe that I've finally made it here. Granted, there are a few things I wish I could do a little differently, i.e. not be paying for my class, but I'm still living out my dream. For once, I'm getting to live out a dream. I've never had that oppurtunity before. You see, dreams for me have always been the goals I could never attain. No, they were not always these major desires that people rarely ever find, rather, they were more common goals that people set in their respective lives and find them without too much trial and tribulation.

However, my life does not entertain an audience with any stories about an easily slain dragon with the spoils and riches plentiful. No, minimal effort for me does not, and has not ever produced maximum results. I suppose it's that way for everyone, yet I have to question whether or not their lives were quite as demanding and hardpressed as mine. The chain of events during my time on this world has always sustained one common and unbreakable theme: No pain, No gain. While I realize the shortcoming of such an over-used phrase, I say to you good man that a cliche is truthful or it wouldn't be cliche at all. Anything I've ever gotten, anything I've ever accomplished, well, these things didn't happen for me as if I were rapidly descending from a circular piece of timber. My day to day struggles honestly feel no less demanding than attempting to walk across the Great Wall of China burdened with a 50 pound backpack that is full of wonderful books that I hope to read sooner than later. Unfortunately, the massive jaunt is always a conscription of utter torment that dissallows even the slighest moment of rest in which I can partake in reading such classical stories that have enriched socities throughout the course of human events. In essence, not only has my life thrown a great deal of difficulties my way, but the ultimate desires of my soul have been close but astromically out of reach simultaneously. I would say the only thing worse than failing to live out your dreams is to have them put in front of you in a tangible manner while knowing you can never make them a reality. It is remarkable cruelty for someone to have the capability to touch, feel, and taste their deepest desires only to have them quickly yanked out of reach by some seemingly manovlent hand of pointless punishment on a crime un-committed.

Anyway, those aforementioned complaints are statements for another time and place. My most essential point to this post is that I am now an Auburn man. I'm actually attending Auburn University. Anyone who knows me just in the tiniest sense knows how important taking an Auburn course is to me. I realize it's only one course, and in the scheme of things it might seem like it's worth it. I could've gone to JSU again and had it completely paid for-however, I would owe that money and much more back later. Whether for better or for worse, I chose Auburn and I chose to do something I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember. It feels great and I'm honestly extatic about this chance to prove myself in a big-time college format and school. Now, no one can say I was a big fish in a small pond once I make it work. And, by God, no matter how hard I have to work for it, I will make it happen and do well here.

In the not-so-good realm of things, I have decided that a relationship will probably never work for me. No, it's not that I don't want one. To the contrary, I would love one. Still, I cannot see me ever finding a girl who isn't flighty, psycho, needy, mean, or all of the above. I guess some people are simply destined to be alone, and I must be one of those people. Shelby truly shattered my heart, and while I understand where she is coming from, it did not make it any easier on me. I loved her more than I can parlay on these electronic texts. She meant so much to me, and I would have done anything for her. Now, she simply doesn't want to talk to me, and she pretty much has started avoiding me altogehter. Yes, I realize that in her circumstance, she posseses more than a just and valid reason. Having said that, it was my heart all the same. No, she didn't break my heart-rather, she completely destroyed it. I guess I fell to quick and received just deserts for my foolishness. Even though I deserved what I got, it doesn't make the pain any less substantial. I still feel incredibly strongly for her. I cannot help what happened, but I have never wanted to marry a someone before. Yet, this time, I did. Ouch.

Well, that's all for today. We'll see what else I come up with Same Bat Time Same Bat Channel.

2 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

I feel funny [28 Sep 2005|03:35pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

Well, they've got me on one of these pills that I can only take once a week, and believe me, I'm glad that's all I can take it. I feel really weird right now, and no, I'm not enjoying myself at all at the moment. I hate this feeling a whole bunch. The good news is I only am supposed to have to do it three times. So, maybe I won't feel so funny in a couple of days. Besides, at least I won't have to do this pill but two more times. It's taking it out of me I can tell you that for sure. Damnit, I just saw a Biox commerical where it was asking people if they took Biox and suffered a heartattack or if someone had a heartattack in their family they should call this lawyer firm. Let me be the first to say, I hope they lose every single case in that whole thing. What did they think?? That wouldn't have any bad side effects on them?? They knew better, and if they didn't, ignorance is no excuse in this case. I'm on all kinds of medicines. I understand that later in life they will have drastic effects on my health and my quality of living. I know that it may ruin me in a few years, but I accept that risk because of how they help me now. I'd rather have a healthy life now and be sick later, than be sick now and really sick later. In that case, it was a cosmetic thing if I remember correctly. People should learn that medications and different medical treatmenst are to be taken seriously. The government should not have to protect its people from themselves on individual accounts. Laws and law enforcement are needed, but damn why cannot people learn just to fucking think just a second.

Now I've seen the whole thing on Tom Delay. Hmm...right during the loss in popularity towards the republican party due to the lack of response for Huricane Katrina, and the ongoing war in Iraq. Wow, politics as usual. This action, I must say to the democrats at large, was no less than perfect timing. But, if they think for one second that I'll go towards their party now because of this "New Investigation," they had best think again. I choose neither party, and if I had any thoughts about going towards the democratic side politically after G.W. Bush's incredibly shitty job, which the Democrats have only themselves to look in the mirror for losing because it thought that a prick like John Kerry would actually win, they have severely squandered it. Resources and energy in Washington should be going to getting us out of Iraq and helping the victims of Katrina and Rita respectively. It's not a time for politics as usual. Damn, you know something?? When something hits New York the South was there to help, and our country came together. Heaven forbid that the hillbillies of the South get the same sort of help that the North got. Is this a regional thing?? Hell Yeah!! Is this also a racial thing?? Hell Yeah again!! I am the last one who ever admits to race being the big issue but the people in New Orleans didn't get as much help because of two reasons. 1. They're in the South. 2. They're mostly black there.

Having said that, that does not mean that the people in Mississippi exactly received the aid they should've. Hell no they didn't. Why is that when the South gets hit by something, Washington has a thumb stuck up its ass and it moves slow. Majority of people on the Gulf Coast are actually white. And, not to mention, many of them have a good deal of money. But, they've lost everything just have the poor people have. Furthermore, not all of them can fix themselves out of this situation either. Don't come at me with your help the poor self-righteous bull shit. They're all poor right now!! So, back the fuck off about that. Yes, race has played an issue with New Orleans, as much as I hate to say that, enough help wasn't given there because they were black I think. But, New Orleans is more of a national figure than a Southern figure so race I think was the deciding factor there. However, what about the rest of Louisianna and Mississippi?? Yeah, so what if the president is from Texas, I don't think that's the same thing, but you're always talking about how stupid and dumb he is, so why would you think that he could have done anything in this case?? How hypocritical you can be when it fits you!!

If the South was in dire straights, I firmly believe we'd be the last to be given the necessary help we need. We were there for New York! God Damnitt we were there for them. And, I don't regret that a bit. But, why the fuck isn't the South being helped like that. If it was an act of war, like the other, I don't think it'd be that much different. Let's face it, the rest of America sees this region as a bunch of dipshits who can't spell, have crooked teeth, and they fuck their sister!!! I'll have them know, I only have a problem with one of those three (I cannot spell). My favorite baseball teams are the Cleveland Indians & the New York Yankees, but how many people in that fabled Northeast which has supposedly been the catalyst of progress in our young history would say that the Braves are their favorite team?? Or, how about how many would say they like Auburn or the University of Alabama. The fuckers in Wisconsin when Auburn played them a couple of years in a bowl game didn't even know who the fuck Auburn was!! Well I can tell you this, after Auburn beat the ever loving fuck out of the University of Wisconsin, they God Damn sure had heard of us then.

I apologize if I've offended you. But if you wanna know why the South is so angry with the rest of the country it's because the region is still not seen as a part of the country. The South has championed some real odd leaders such as Huey Long and George C. Wallace. (and be careful about what you say about those two, I can hand your ass to you when it comes to Southern History, I gurantee it!!)Still, what did those two use to rise to power?? The perception that they were the champions of the downtrodden in the South. Say what the fuck you want to about race with Wallace, but I have some fucking news for you dipshits, Wallace ran when every Southern poltician was using the race card. That wasn't the deciding factor. He seemed like he would speak the cause of the Southerners who didn't have much money, which in case you didn't know, is majority of people in the South. I'm ranting I know. But, the South will have yet another flamboyant leader who doesn't really relate to the rest of America because the rest of America cannot relate to the South. It'll happen. Just wait and see. And why?? Because it's still sectionalism at its fineist.

I love the South and the rest of America. But, the rest of America doesn't love the South. I think that's been proven.

11 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

Moreover [23 Sep 2005|01:18pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Well, graduate school is actually going pretty well so I cannot complain on that aspect. Still, yesterday I only got seven out of ten questions right on that stupid quiz about Mexico so I'm a little pissed about that. It was on soooo much material, to think that he got the thing from four pages of one book pissed me off to no end. It was on the first two pages and the last two pages of the same book. Made me want to kick his ass all over God's green earth. I'm busting my butt now studying for the first major exam in there, and I plan on really whipping the shit out of the next test. So, he wants to make me look like an idiot in class by asking the questions a certain way and then saying I'm wrong, and later agreeing with me when all that's remembered is how wrong he made me look. I hate that, I am not some tool for a professor to build his ego upon. I refuse to adhere to being his intellectual bitch. I think I'm smarter than him anyway, but then again, I think that a lot about a lot of people and that doesn't make it necessarily true.

We'll see if things keep going well for me or not. As far as the money that's supposed to be coming to me, not a damned dime has shown up yet. Which sorta sucks, because I wanted to pay for someone on a possible date tonight. Let me reiterate, possible. She has said yes, but there might be underlying circumstances which prevent us from actually having a formal date. Wow, I hope I do get to go out. It's been since January that I've been on a date where I wasn't stood up. You know something though, I've been that much better off and I don't have like a huge interest in pulling in another relationship at the moment. Yeah, I do like the girl, but I'm not going to just rush way too hard into something. I have hit on her, but hitting on a girl is what you do when you like her. In my defense, she hasn't exactly minded the hints and different things I've told her, and if anything, she seems to be returning it.

I have confidence this time though. I know that a girl isn't doing all that bad if she decides to date me. I refuse to sit there and feel shitty about myself anymore. I'm gonna be myself and not worry about it that much. I am pursuing pretty hard, but that's what I do. Still, if she says no or even get lost for that matter, I am not going to get all butt hurt and sand in my vangina about it. Things happen, you cough them up and move on. In the same way that the quiz pissed me off, I am not going to let that nor a rejection whip me. I see a girl that I want and I'm pushing to get her. She says no, oh well. I'll be all right considering I was doing quite all right before and I'll continue to do quite all right afterwards. People so often give in too early, or get upset too much. I know this is the pot calling the fucking kettle black in my case, but there's no reason to really make yourself feel terrible for too long.

So Guineverre, I like you. Everybody else knows it along with your self. No one has told me whether or not they think you like me, so I wonder if that's a bad thing. You don't dislike me too much, or you wouldn't have said yes to the possible date at this juncture. You'll have fun and not regret that you decided to go out with me if we ever to get to go out. Even my ex would tell you that I'm good at getting what I want and I want a chance with you. That's not to say that I'll necessarily get you, but I am trying because I do want you. Yes, if ya'll didn't know, I like her and hope that she is willing to my girlfriend eventually. However, I am not going to just whine and bitch if that's not the case. I learned my lessons a few times over and I'm not going to let things dominate me like that ever again. Sparkey has way too much to live for to just get caught up on not getting one relationship. It took a long time, a bunch of stupid mistakes, and a bucnh of friends to realise that. Now that I have, I will not bend nor break for anyone like that. I know what I want and I do what I can to get it. I think I will because I'm confident, but if I don't, I can always move on. That's the joy of life. Until there isn't one, there's always tomorrow and a new day.

Thanks Vash. I know that's not exactly what he said, but it's damn close along the same lines as to what he said. If you guys have learned anything from me, great, I just don't really know what that might be other than how to have a good time no matter what sorta things are in front of you. I pride myself on making something funny out of every situation. Including times in D&D when I'm supposed to serious and then the DM wants to slit my throat ten different ways to Sunday. Oh man, those were the days were they not.

Comment on this entry when you read this. No matter who you are or what you have to say about it, comment. Damnit I want to know what people think about my entries. I've been giving all sorts of comments to your journals, so return the favor. Let me know what's wrong with what I'm saying and how much of an idiot you think I am or the opposite as I'm inclined to feel. Well, take care ya'll and tell me what you think damnit!!

9 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

Good News! And it's not about Geico! [15 Sep 2005|08:48pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

Well, things finally seem to have started looking up for me. Not that things were all that bad. I think we often times hit harder when our good fortune runs out because we forget that it wasn't so bad to start with in the first place. Yet, that's not to say that things haven't taken a trun in the upward direction for me. I've finally gotten disability to side with me and say I'm disabled. It was a long and hard drawn out fight, but let me say this: "Perserverance pays off." In my case, it was quite literal. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again. It's not always a winning combination, but more often than not you'll be happy you did. I guess that's the way life is. You have to really work at something if you're trying to get something you really want. I'm just happy that it finally happened. It's not completely out of the woods yet, the committee can always review my case and overturn it, but that rarely if ever happens. It won't happen overnight either, I've still got to wait up to 60 days to get a notice from the committee, so we'll see what happens there.

Juliette for some reason just simply quit talking to me. I asked her to add me as a friend, but she wouldn't do it for some reason. I don't know what happened there, but I was a little astounded by it and a little hurt. Oh well though, if she chooses to not talk to me, then that's her choice. I'll be fine and it won't hurt me all that much.

If you LARPsters are wondering if there's something going between me and the new Werewolf hottie, the answer is, yes! I actually call her Guinevere, but that makes me a little scared if I'm King Author, or Sir Lancelot for that matter. Oh well, I can't help which one of those I am if I'm either. I'd rather be the Green Knight though. The only one to ever show Galahad's imperfection because he feared the Green Knight. Plus, Green's my favorite color. She and I have talked to last couple of days and it's been working quite well so far. She's intelligent and hot. Her face is pretty too. Oh well, I don't think this is too soon after Mary. I mean it has been a good while since all that stuff happened. I still talk to her, and she asked me last time if I had been fooling around with anybody. The honest answer was, "No" and even though I'm talking to Jennifer (a.k.a. Wolfy), I haven't been fooling around with anyone, we're just talking. We'll see where that whole thing goes in the future.

In school news, I'm doing very well. I've done well on my tests and I'm staying caught up fairly well with all of my assignements. I've gotten an $8000 financial aide thing, bt I didn't want that much. It's also a loan, so I'll have to pay it back, but the interest on this one is marginal. I wish it wasn't so large though, because if I don't take this one, I can't have any money. I guess it's nice to have $8000 but I don't like the thought of paying it back so soon. I wish I could say it was a grant for a lot less if need be to make it a grant. Still, I won't complain.

2 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

Another Update Another Day, and once again, not a dollar [25 Aug 2005|05:40am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

I figure right now is as good a time as any to update. I'm going to JSU again. It's not what I want to do, but I don't really see any other choice. Plus, I'm trying to substitute, and I'm gonna take education courses this semester in case I see the need to be a full time teacher. I've been here in Auburn since Saturday, so I've been here for just a little while to say the least. Bryan and Eric seem to like having me over, my mom just wants me to make sure I'm not in anybody's way. I've asked on numerous occassions if I was, but I think me asking that makes me about as much in the way as I'll get. Oh well, my mom is making sure of others and I can appreciate that. After all, I've done it myself time and time again. I've realised something, though. I truly am forgiven of my sins and I shouldn't keep slamming myself so much. God has given me so much, I should be thankful for what I have. No, this won't turn into a testimonial entry. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I've been keeping that sorta thing to myself lately. I guess I just feel like that's between God and myself.

The time here I've spent has been awesome and nothing short of a blast every night. Too much Sake is a bad idea, in my case, that's a whole bottle. My stomach hurts a little, but I guess I'll be all right. I do have some good news about school. I'm finally being treated as an independent from parents. Meaning, the deal with my dad making too much money is finally over. I guess I made it happen, but I've become a lot more perceptive and understanding of people in my situation without people to help such as I've had. I personally think that you can only as good as who you have around you, (that includes GOD) and I have a truly awesome group. Things won't come easy for me in life. But you guys know what I say: "If it comes easy, it ain't worth havin." I've thought a lot about what I did too. I mean it's still on my mind. I am not trying to beat a dead horse. But, a couple of people have set me straight. Rebekah and Daniel probably said it best. Daniel said that if were really trying to kill myself I wouldn't have used pills because that's not really gonna work too well (I mean this statement in jest yet there is merit nonetheless). Rebekah said that I'm smart enough to have done it had I really wanted to, so there's a silver-lining in all that.

I would like to tell everybody I won't no more attention than normal now. I appreciate how everybody was there for me and picked me up, but I honestly DO NOT want that sort of attention anymore. I am so thankful to have all of you around me. Even one from Ben Rock to Josh Hatcher to Patrick Smith to Daniel Shook to Cody Oliver to Mary Flores to Evan Helms to Bryan Moore to Mandii Rowland to Joey Bushimme to Jared Esco to my mother&sister and to everyone else who was there fore me. I will always keep you in mind.

Well the suns about to come up, and so is this Sake, well not really :) I am out like a boner in sweat pants.

2 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

In the Cradle of Death [31 Jul 2005|07:12pm]
You know, dealing with death is an odd thing to say the least. I am surprised at how things work when you're faced with the prospect of never breathing again. You think alot, you see alot, and most of all, you feel alot.

I figured I'd describe things now and how I felt that horrible night. Yes, I'm doing better, and thank you everyone who called me and told me how you love me. I love you guys equally as much and I really mean that. I'm learning that I am worth something myself. I'm not worthless like I thought, and that I mean a lot to a good number of people in this world. Thanks guys, you all taught me alot, I just wish that I could have learned it all without going through what I did, and without putting you guys through all that.

It isn't like I expected it to be. I mean being on the brink of the next world doesn't feel like I thought. You feel probably more alive than ever before. I felt so much, so many emotions all at once. I realised it wasn't time yet. Well that, and my stomach was on fire it felt. I didn't like the pain anymore, so I called someone, and I honestly wanted to live by that point after feeling the need to live again. I thank God for the experience, I learned so much. I am sorry to everyone for what I did not thinking about all of and just thinking about myself. I remember not wanting it to end like that. I was more lucid than what I should have been, or at least I thought I was. I remember how many people I love and care about so deeply. It was a massive mosiac of faces that formed a cornicopia of emotions, and I just felt them equally all at the same time. More than anything, it felt wrong. No, I had no NDE (Near Death Experience with a light) probably because I never lost conciousness. Still, I knew that if I feel asleep, I wouldn't have woken back up. And, they wouldn't let me sleep. The whole thing felt off. It was as if that none of it should've happened. I cannot describe it any better than that. It just didn't feel like it was my time yet. Granted, things could end tomorrow. But, they weren't supposed to end friday night or saturday morning. That much I can tell you for sure. If you can learn anything from my dumbass, learn this: Don't do it. Killing yourself is never worth it and there's always something to live for. If it's only to live to take another breath, then believe me, it's enough to keep yourself alive. I realise now what the fly on the wall poem is really about. I think it's one of the best pieces I've ever read now that I know what she meant. Wow, she said so much.

I am going to leave you guys with that. No, it wasn't great, and I really cannot offer anymore than what I've already written. I will say thanks to everyone of you for thinking about me when you all called me. I almost died, but now I know how I am needed and not worthless. I want you guys to know that you're not worthless at all. None of you are, and after this, I am indebted to you guys forever. I would walk into the depths of hell and shove the devil's pitchfork up my own ass if I needed to in order to keep you guys as friends. You're not really just friends though, it's more than that. It took the cradle of death for me to realise how important each and everyone of you are. I'd really die for you guys and I mean it. I know I would. I saw it, and I'd do it. I have learned my lesson, and I hope that you guys can learn from this experience. If you ever feel down and ready to do something stupid, do something to get yourself away fromt that feeling. Run down the street if you have to. Anything, whatever it is, just get away from those thoughts. You can face them later, but acting them out hurts a whole lot of people worse than what you really know.
3 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

[28 Jul 2005|03:08am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well, I figured I'd write in my journal again. It's odd, now I'm not 23 anymore. I have moved on to 24 and I wouldn't say that I'm thrilled about it, but in retrospect I'm doing quite well. Many things have happended since my last update but none of them are earth shattering. Mary and I are not together anymore, though I cannot see how anybody thought after my last two posts that we'd stay together for very long. I don't that door is closed all the way, however. Well, I guess at least it's not for me. I guess it should be, but for whatever reason I cannot really close it. I have kept calling her and trying to make it work. Should I stop?? I would suppose yes, but I can't stop feeling like I do.

I'm not sure how she feels, I just know that it hasn't really helped me any being broken up with her. I thought maybe it would feel better, maybe I wouldn't hurt so bad from not talking to my girlfriend if she wasn't my girlfriend anymore. Well, it didn't work like I hoped it would. In fact, if anything, it's gotten worse for me, because I just don't want to lose her and I still lover her. I have been a pain in her ass I realise this. I feel ultra pathetic and sick about it. It's not like I haven't tried alternatives, but nothing seems to help. The fact that I don't have anything else other than the Auburn stuff and LARP in my life doesn't help much.

I do love her. And, I love her very much. There is no doubt that I am still madly in love with her. I cannot seem to move on, because I still feel that way.I could go into all the reasons that I love her, but as Cody eloquently put it a few months ago, I don't just love her for all of those reasons. I love her because I do, and I don't really seem to be able to stop. She means so much to me, but I don't think it's the same with her. No, I am not trying to make her out a bitch. I just really feel like it's different for her. She and I haven't spoken to each other in a good while and it has really ripped me up. I don't know if she's found someone else or not, if she has, I can't say as I blame her. I wasn't a good boyfriend at all, and I'm not exactly setting the woods on fire with women coming after me at every direction so I can't help but know that she might want to find someone else.


Then again, I wasn't all that bad, and I really was good about somethings. In fact, I think I take that back. I was as good as boyfriend as I could be for her. If that wasn't enough, then so be it. She never really complained that I wasn't good to her. If anything, she complained that I was too good for her. She also told me that I couldn't just let her walk all over me. Though, I can't see how we would have stayed together had I picked a fight everytime I thought I should. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. Well, I can honestly vouch for that personally. It might not be like that for everybody, but it is like that for me. I miss her desperately and I cannot help it. She knows I love her, and so does everybody else.

In other areas of my life, it's amazing to me how people can know you're smart yet think that you can't see obvious occurrences that wouldn't take place unless there was something underlying. Or, that you can't see something for beyond a coincedence like that try to make you see that it is one. It hurts when people do that to you. Honestly, I can deal with it better when people just come right out and tell me that they did something, but I lose respect for someone who cannot face that situation. I suppose that's what we'd call the set of balls one way or the other. Whether it be for the man or the woman. It hurts when people believe you're blind or that you cannot handle something. I am not blind, and though my livejournal name might make out to be an idiot, I'm not really that idiotic when I don't want to be.

Well, until it comes to hurting myself on accident. I'm a real idiot when it comes to that. Or, would that be genius at hurting yourself in that case since I'm so good at it? Afterall, I did hurt myself with Ramen once, and I still cringe when I see that awful bag of beef flavoring. Mary, if you think I'm referring to you and you're angry about it, calm down. This one has nothing to do with you baby. So, don't worry about it. Besides girl, I have no right now to say anything one way or the other about who you're with. Even though I don't have that privelidge anymore (no I can't spell it) you all should know me well enough by now to know I cannot hold my tongue very well, especially when it's something I'm passionate about. And sweetie, there ain't much out there I'm more passionate about than you.

Vocationally speaking, I'm looking for something I can do hot and heavy right now. I'm trying to get a museum curator job somewhere in either the Mobile or Auburn or Birmingham area. In addition, I am going to get certified either this semester or next semester to teach high school. I guess I just can't deal with being with my parents anymore. I still love them and my little sister. I wanted to stay long enough that my sister didn't see me as a distant memory when she got older. I think that now she's 12 I've done that. She'll be close to 13 before I know it, and I plan on being out of here at the end of Spring Semester by the latest. It's odd, I guess Mary finally talked me into something. Though, my male ego refuses to let me tell her that in person. Consequently, if she wants to know she was right and I was wrong, she'll have to read it on here, because I damn sure ain't going to tell her in person. I've been home long enough. It's time for me to attain the last phase of adulthood, and that's living on my own. I know it won't be easy, but it's time. Besides, life ain't easy. So it's the real world out there. So what, at least in that Real World I'm not on some stupid MTV show that can kick me off when even they feel like it.

Rob said about one of the most provocative things I've ever heard him say while I was there this week. "You're being a mooch like Ben." Not that he was complaining about it, but he made a strong point that struck home regardless. It was at that moment that I decided to stop getting any money or meals or anything else from others until I can give equal back. I have taken money from others and meals and the like for too long. No, don't get me wrong, I never stole from anyone. However I have been given a lot of freebies in my 24 years on the world. It's time to stop. No this isn't an issue of pride. This is an issue of dignity. It's too easy for me to accept gifts now, and I really hate that. I am beginning to look at myself as someone who won't make it. To flush out these nay says that are in the back of my fat head, I am going to have to make a shift in life style. I have become a couch surfer, I cannot stand for that any longer. I hate being a mooch. If I had my choice, my friends and family could have whatever they wanted from me that I could give them without it hurting me and I'd ask nothing in return. Yes, I'd also give things that did hurt me. Anybody that knows me pretty well, knows I'm generous to a fault. But, I don't want anyone having to be generous to me as a fault any longer. I think it's time that I stopped and made my own way.

I realise that this means my trips and things like that are pretty much over. But, there has to be a cut off point. I have so many people willing to give me so much. I haven't done anything to deserve it, but I have tried to give others my time. This resolution that I have made so long parted from New Year's Eve and Day will cause some dramatic and unwanted changes in my life. I guess it calls for that. I just can't keep getting freebies from people. I am thankful to have friends like that, but I have to be my own man and provide for myself now. I cannot suffer others any longer. And, it's more than suffering others. I have to be able to take care of myself. I want to take care of someone who's very special to me. I have to handle my personal self first. After all, what if I never get to take care of her? I still should be able to take care of myself. I don't want to live in a nursing home my whole life.

6 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

None really [16 Jun 2005|01:15pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I refuse to sit and bitch again. I will not do it, it's not who I am to just sit and constantly bitch. I do things that try to fix the situation. Sure nine times out of ten they end up being a bigger mess than before. But, when I'm able to take an action, I feel more like I'm doing something. Consequently, I am able to take a relatively large amount of solace in doing something to fix my situation. I hate just sitting and bitching. I will listen to others do it, but I almost always have to try something when I am the one who is just moaning and complaining. I would suppose that's close to the opposite of apathy. I hate just sitting and not caring. I have to go and do things. Whatever simple task it is, or whatever complicated plan that's destined to go awry, I must do something. The only way for evil to prevail is for good people to stand and do nothing. Of course, if you ask me, that old saying is a bit flawed. Why? Because in my mind, if you're sitting there and doing nothing, you aren't really a good person. Therefore the reasoning of the aforementioned statment has been comprimised.

Anyway, I am going to LARP Saturday. I have no desire to go, but I must do something. Who knows, when I get there and I start fucking with Joey and the others, I might start having a lot of fun. Jeff, I respect so much what you've done in that game. Yes people, I know how pathetic it is to have nothing left but LARP as far as activities go. Well, I am not stuck on a character and honestly, my players have fun when I'm storytelling. And believe me or not on this one, I really think seeing my players have a blast is worth the pain in the ass it causes me. While this has indeed turned into a psuedo bitch fest, it is not a complete bitch fest. I look forward to LARP on Saturday and I love the reaction on my players faces.

Maybe I was a bit off base with Mary. So be it. No, I'm not happy I said something like that to her, but I'm glad she's mad at me about it. I am happy that she's mad, but believe me, I don't like incurring her wrath. Still, it's nice to know she gives a damn. I don't want all of ya'll to think she's a bitch. I think here getting pissed off shows she isn't really one. Yeah, she's done some shitty things to me. However, I will be the first one to say that I've done way more shitty things to her. I pitch a fit when it's often times not needed. I yelled at her when she didn't deserve it. I was selfish and often overbearing. I became way too clingy at times, and I said really mean things to her. I would be cold way too often, and I said what she did wrong all too much. There were many other infractions I've done to her, but I wanted to say the things I did most to prove something. I really didn't want anybody to think she's a bitch. I just wanted to try something that might work. No matter how stupid it might sound, it was ever my intention. I love her and wanted to do anything. I'd rather her be pissed at me and care about things again, than her not feel one way or the other about me and not give a shit about anything. Do I like her being pissed off at me? With the frequency with which I am able to enfuriate her at a moment's notice, you would think so. Unfortunately for me, the opposite is true. I hate her being mad at me, but she's almost always got a good reason to be mad at me about something. So, she isn't a bad significant other at all. If anything, I am the one who doesn't do what I should most of the time. I love you Mary, whatever else you might think that's the truth.

I love you all as well. Jeff, you're goddamned genius. I don't know why you seem to like me so much, and I honestly thought at first it was a fascade. (I apologize for the lack of spelling ability I am on pain killers because I hurt the fuck out of my ankle this morning, and I don't feel like going to get a dictionary.) I honestly do love you man. Something about you, you're real I guess. I mean you don't like people and you're not afraid to say it. I respect that so much. I would carry a pistol by your side as well. And, if there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know. You know I'll do it to best of my ability. Alex, your quiet form of intelligence astounds me. I've never underestimated you for a lack of intelligence. Your mental capacities are way high and I am honestly impressed. Daniel, I won't say the same about you because I have a running rivalry. Yet, in essence that is sort of admitting to your intelligence. Joey, my man you worry more than I do and that's hard to do. You've grown a lot this year. But all in all, I know you are a really nice guy. That's not weakness. Believe you me, it takes a great strength to be nice when there's mean people all around you. Stay nice. I love how you are, but if you have to, eat your own hamburger. Daniel, I love you so much I want to beat your face in with a ballpeen hammer. You know that means I love you. I hope things go well for you Saturday, and I miss you like a huge punch to the kidneys. You know, I miss you when I say that. I love all of you guys. Take care of yourselves, and each other.

6 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

Re-entry [10 Jun 2005|09:05pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Alright, now I've had some time to calm down. I am mad still and angry. No, Mary still doesn't treat me like she should. She doesn't act like she cares about anything, she's constantly avoiding me, and I cannot ever get her to talk. Maybe, I went to the extreme about the muscular dystrophy deal and I guess I was being unfair. I don't know honestly if she's embarrassed that I have a disability like that or not. Though, I will say this, I shouldn't have to wonder whether or not I have a girlfriend who is ashamed of my disability.

Plus, it's not fair that I have a girlfriend who has still kept me a secret. If the relationship was worth it, she would go through the hell her parents are gonna put her through. Yes, they will. But am I not worth that much to her? Is it too much ask her to be truthful by now that she does have a boyfriend. I couldn't send her a valentine's day present. I couldn't send her my graduation pictures. She'll never come to see me. Not until she goes into the military. That's what's convient for her. Baby, if you really love me not everything you do will be out of convienence. Ok, so maybe I am being a hard ass about a few of these things.

Let's take a look back and see what I want. I want more of your time. I know that you'll read this so that's why I am writing it. I shouldn't have to go through such a length just to get some of your time. I was too harsh earlier, I thought about erasing it, but that wouldn't be right of me at this point. I want to know how you really feel. Not by words, but by actions. You avoid me now on a constant basis. Mary, I know that you've had a lot to deal with lately, and for that I am truly sorry. It's not like I wanted to bring this all up at a bad time. But, sweetie, there never is a good time with you. If you're having a good day, you don't want to hear it because it'll ruin the good day. If you're having a bad day, you don't want to hear it because you're already too upset as it is.

I really and truthfully feel I am completely right in this whole matter. Unfortunately, I don't really give a damn about being right. I want to be treated fairly. I have been saying for a long time that I can't tell how much you love me, and I shouldn't have to wonder too terribly much. Who knows what'll be your reaction after you read this and whether or not you'll read the other. I have no idea what will be your reaction at this moment. I fear your anger, yet I fear your cutting off all contact with me more.

I still want you in my life, but I really think you have some issues to figure out. Baby, I care so much about being with you and having a chance to care for you. But, you've said yourself you don't really give a damn about anything anymore. I wish I could help you through this ordeal. God knows I tried. I hate giving up more than anything. Anyone who knows me knows it's not in my blood to give up. There have been many times I should've given up I think, but I didn't do it. I just don't quit on stuff. Is it dangerous of being prideful? Yeah, it is, but it's really me and probably the backbone of who I am.

It's not like I want to just give up now. And, I won't give up really. I just need you to help me out. I am doing everything in the relationship. I want that to change. I realize I have done terrible things to you, but it was honestly out of anger. Maybe you don't feel like it, but for the last two months other than the two days you got scared of losing me, I have been treated like pure dirt. You keep freaking avoiding me too!! Which, is about the worst thing you could possibly do to me. I want us to be friends for a while. When I asked you not to dump me, I mean I don't want you to stop talking to me. Right now, I think you have some things you need to work out. I love you so much, and I know you don't feel that way right now. Baby, don't you know how bad it hurts to love someone so much, and know in your heart they don't love you as much. Let's face it, your words say you do, but your actions don't.

As far as the timing goes, I am truly sorry when I said all of this. I guess you're at rock bottom right now, and I do deeply regret speaking about this in such a way at the present state of things for you. Honest to God, I hate that. I really, really do. But, I've been waiting to say this for a while. I love you so much, and I want you so bad. I am in tears right now writing this and I feel utterly pathetic. I shouldn't have said all this on livejournal. But, I knew on here, where we got together, you would truly listen.

And, that you wouldn't just feel like this is a lecture. It's anything but a lecture. I am begging to be treated fairly. I don't want to be a secret anymore. I want a girlfriend who would show up at my funeral and not skip it because of what her parents would think. I deserve a girl who treats me right. Doesn't constantly tell me what I do wrong. I know you feel like that's what I am doing with you, but it's not. Sweetie, you used to treat me as good as anybody could have treated me. You know you don't treat me fairly, I don't even have to tell you. So why do you keep doing it? There are many things you could do differently. Making fun of me is fine most of the time, but that's the only time you say something in a nice voice to me anymore. Anything else that you say is angry at me. I can't say anything right. Whatever topic of conversation I bring up is stupid. I talk too much, and when you honestly seem happy, you always go out. You never say you missed me first. Maybe all of this is petty stuff, but you act as if you're ashamed of me. You won't let me talk to any of your friends either. You won't answer the phone when you're out with them. And, you've basically quit talking to me. I don't want any sympathy from anybody. And, I suppose I should've deleted what I spoke of earlier today. I guess that would be trying to hide things, and that's not fair of me either. If I really feel a certain way, then I should speak up.

Well, this is me now that I've calmed down. I want you to sort things out Mary. I love you and I am here for you, I think that goes without saying. But, I've called you everytime this week but once. In fact, it's been like that since last Wednsday, yes you know I keep up with that stuff. Even if you don't want to talk to me because of what's going on, you're supposed to call and check on your significant other just to show you still care. Not to mention, if you really can't talk to me when things are rough, then you seriously need to consider what are the positives in staying with me. I need to talk with you when things get rough. You have a way of making me feel better, or at least you did. Now, you just shun whatever problems I have and act as if you could really give a damn about them. If you don't really feel like that, then stop making it seem that way. Show some interest without just bashing me and taking the other view point on a constant basis. When's the last time you got mad at what somebody did to me?? I get mad anytime somebody does something to you. I love you. I hope you love me too. You say it, but I honestly don't know anymore.

1 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

Shittyness [10 Jun 2005|01:20pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Alright, so my life is awful. Mary doesn't treat me like shit anymore, but she doesn't treat me like gold either. Actually, she doesn't treat me at all. She doesn't have the decency to break up with me. She just won't call and won't talk to me anymore. I think that's about the lousiest and shittiest thing you can do to somebody. I really expected more as a person from here. I suppose I am a fool. I have tried to be there for her while she's been going through everything. I haven't recieved a thankyou or anything. Hell, I haven't recieved anything at all. I just don't think I should have to do everything in the relationship. I love Mary, but she's all fucked up right now and it's not fair for me to try to fix everything on a constant basis and her do nothing.

For those of you who didn't know, Mary kept the fact that she was dating me a secret from her family. I know her reasons, but after a while I don't care anymore. I deserve for my girlfriend to be proud of me, not hide me under some sort of cage. I am sick of this and the lack of anything. I know you don't care Mary. That hurts me worse than anything else could. If you hated me, then at least you felt enough anger to express it that way, which really isn't hate at all. No, what you feel for me is cold apathy. I have felt that once in my life, and it was for my worst enemy. It hurts to have a girlfriend who wouldn't even be at your funeral. I know she wouldn't be at my funeral if I died today. Aint that some shit. My own girlfriend wouldn't even go to my funeral. You know what else people? It's not like I haven't tried to talk things out with her over and over. But, a relationship requires two people.
not 1.75

She doesn't give the .75 either, I do. No, she adds about a negative 1 to the relationship. Here lately, she's been one of the worst girlfriends you could ever have. Treated me like dirt, and all I wanted was for her to talk to me. I never asked for a whole lot, I just wanted her to talk to me. Now, she won't even do that, yet she hasn't told me we're broken up yet. Why? Because, let's face it people. She doesn't have the balls to do it herself. I love her very much. I have tried. You people might think I am being too harsh about this whole thing, and I am not claiming I'm perfect either. But, I couldn't send her my fucking graduation pictures. I couldn't call her house. I couldn't send her letters. She wouldn't let me get her something for Valentine's Day. Why? It was all because she was afraid of her parents seeing that i was real.

Maybe that wasn't it. Maybe, she's been cheating on me the whole time. I was just someone she used to get by the day because of the unhappiness she had with her current relationship. Ya'll know what the worst part of this whole thing is?? She won't care about this entry. She won't care or get mad. Her passion is gone completley. Maybe I'm selfish, but I can't stay with someone who has no passion or care in life. Taht's not fair. I still have stuff I deeply care for, and here lately I've been brought down by what she's going through. I am not trying to be selfish. I love her very much, but she doesn't give a damn, and there's a lot I can deal with. I guess I just can't deal with that. When you're in a relationship with someone, you should care about them. I don't even know if she gave a shit if I died today or not.

I still love her, but I am better than what she's given me lately. Last month, she was so crabby and mean I was afraid of talking to her. Something in her day was always awful and she never let the chance go by to take it out on me. Whenever she was happy, do you think she had the decency to talk to me then? Hell No she didn't!! Instead, she went with her friends and made me feel like an Asshole because I wanted to talk to her when she was happy. She kept spending less and less time with me. And, when she did spend time with me, she was really mean. She even told me I was a dumbass for telling my parents she was coming in May. Well, excuse the fuck out of me!! I loved my girlfriend and the excitement I had for seeing her was so much that I couldn't contain myself. Guess what
??

She didn't ever show up. I knew deep down that she wouldn't. Why? Once again, because she didn't want her family asking a whole bunch of quesitons. Keep in mind, we've been together for nearly a year and I am almost 24. I am sick of dealing with parents. I know she loves them and everything, and I respect that. I have no problems with that whatsoever. My problem is that, yes you love your parents. But, you don't just hide away your loved one because they're like a caged sick animal either. I've always thouht she didn't say anything because she was ashamed of my disability. Guess what ya'll?? She was actually ashamed that she had a boyfriend who had a disability and she didn't want people to know that I had one because it embarrassed her. In fact, she almost dumped me for the fact that I had muscular dystrophy. Ouch!! That one stung real bad. I love Mary, and in some way I always will. But, I deserve better.

1 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

The best [04 May 2005|07:18pm]
The best you’ve got. That’s what you should do in life. No matter what it is, give the best you got. I try to live by that philosophy. With this new job on the horizon, I will maintain this way of thinking and do the best job I can. If it’s not good enough for them, then so be it. But, I’m going to give it everything in me. I try very hard to do that with everything. Of course, I am not trying to imply I do my best at everything. When we all think about it, there’s been a large number of things that we have done half-assed. Hopefully, those things that we did in such an incomplete-effort way weren’t incredibly important. I wonder, have I truly been giving 100% to what I do lately?? You know, those sports analogies of giving 110% or 150% annoy me to no end. You have 100% of yourself to offer. No more, but it shouldn’t be any less either. That’s all you have to give, and no one should ever expect more than that from you. However, people shouldn’t have to expect less than that from you either.

Whether you like my DMng or Storytelling, you have to realize I give it my all. You might not enjoy my campaigns or stories that much, but always remember they’re being presented with everything I’ve got. I must say that the games at Auburn went really well, and you can bet the LARP Saturday will also be 100 mph full speed ahead. That’s the way I run it, but after the game don’t even think about asking me for downtime. Once I’m done running for the night, I am incredibly mentally fatigued and I have absolutely nothing left. Remember, I haven’t even had enough left in me to play in Joey’s game, let alone run any downtime.

I wish I could give you guys an upbeat journal this time. And, I’d like to tell you everything is going great. Well, that’s not the way I feel at the moment. I’ve got a new job coming and that’s exciting, but I have more anxiety than anything at the moment. It seems as though I am coming to cross-roads in my life. Cross-roads that will change my life forever. I hope things work out for the best, but I guess the hope’s rather small. In a month, all of my questions will be answered. I know that I haven’t gotten away from my parents and I still live in their house now. After being by myself at Montevallo so much, I cannot stand being here. Still, looking at complete independence is a bit nerve wracking.

It’ll be the final phase of my complete maturation from childhood to adulthood. I guess growing up still scares me a little bit. There’s no major reason to live in fear at the moment because I’ll always be a kid at heart. It’s simply the way that I approach life. I am going to work to try to save for school firstly though. I mean come on, those student loans are ridiculous these days. Luckily though, they’re not nearly as bad when my father went to school. Not to mention, he’s still in school debt from those damned things to this day.

My relationship with Mary is going very well. Though, I must admit this proposed trip is very important to me. I am not sure how to approach it. I am willing to go see her whenever and wherever. After this trip I won't ask her to visit me again, and I'll more than happily take care of the trips from then on. Still, I need one trip with her venturing here that will end of my fears and insecurities. It seems to me that if you really love someone then you're willing to put your fears aside and dive into the unknown. I did it once already with her by going to Phoenix with no one but myself. It was scary, but I did it, and I am so glad I did. I hope that she comes here. It's really a pillar builder you know? After she's willing to do something like this, then I'll know she has committment necessary for such a relationship as this one. Mary is very secure in our relationship at this time. I think that has something to do with the fact that I voyaged over to Phoenix alone with nobody but her to depend on. I need her to do that, so that I know she's really in it till the end you know? I guess maybe I’m being a bit illogical, but it would really help my difficulties of being insecure if she comes here. You know, in a relationship, there’s has to be a line that the other can believe the one who’s important to them will be there when the chips are down. I mean that’s important in all of your close relationships, and it’s something that I must have from my significant other.

When it’s all on the line, I know I can call on Daniel, Cody, Jared and my high school friend Josh. My cousin Lex has always been there through everything as well. Granted, in our present situation it’s hard for her to really be there. Though, at this moment, this is a situation that she can be there and that she can make me feel more secure. Not to be forgotten, I miss her so much. I can’t wait to hold her again. I honestly don’t know whether she’s coming now or not. I hope that she is very much so. I need to see her, touch her, and kiss her again. It’s hard being away, but I’ll deal with it with someone who loves me enough to be with me forever. If we don’t feel that way, we’re just wasting a whole lot of time. I miss you so much baby. Whether I see you or not, you know I love you. It just would help me for years to come if you made this 3 day journey. I know it’s scary, remember I did once myself.

Sorry to rant like that ya’ll. I guess I just had some stuff I had to spill. My heart is filled with anxiety at the moment. One thing is for certain, whatever happens with all that I’m nervous about, very soon that fear will be gone. Whether for better or for worse, all of that fear and anxiety will give way to identity and sureness of where my life is and where it’s going. In addition, I’ll start reaching the last line of independence finally. The relationship questions will have been answered by that point one way or the other. I am hoping that all of this stuff goes well. If it doesn’t, I’ll live. I have been through way too much to just give up at this phase of my life. I want to do something with my life that’s meaningful and important. Whatever God has set aside for me to do, I won’t be taken of this world until I have that chance to do it. God will give me the chance to live in His glory, whether I do or not is up to me. God bless you all and everybody take care.
3 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

The future, and not back to it [04 May 2005|06:56pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

The best you’ve got. That’s what you should do in life. No matter what it is, give the best you got. I try to live by that philosophy. With this new job on the horizon, I will maintain this way of thinking and do the best job I can. If it’s not good enough for them, then so be it. But, I’m going to give it everything in me. I try very hard to do that with everything. Of course, I am not trying to imply I do my best at everything. When we all think about it, there’s been a large number of things that we have done half-assed. Hopefully, those things that we did in such an incomplete-effort way weren’t incredibly important. I wonder, have I truly been giving 100% to what I do lately?? You know, those sports analogies of giving 110% or 150% annoy me to no end. You have 100% of yourself to offer. No more, but it shouldn’t be any less either. That’s all you have to give, and no one should ever expect more than that from you. However, people shouldn’t have to expect less than that from you either.

Whether you like my DMng or Storytelling, you have to realize I give it my all. You might not enjoy my campaigns or stories that much, but always remember they’re being presented with everything I’ve got. I must say that the games at Auburn went really well, and you can bet the LARP Saturday will also be 100 mph full speed ahead. That’s the way I run it, but after the game don’t even think about asking me for downtime. Once I’m done running for the night, I am incredibly mentally fatigued and I have absolutely nothing left. Remember, I haven’t even had enough left in me to play in Joey’s game, let alone run any downtime.

I wish I could give you guys an upbeat journal this time. And, I’d like to tell you everything is going great. Well, that’s not the way I feel at the moment. I’ve got a new job coming and that’s exciting, but I have more anxiety than anything at the moment. It seems as though I am coming to cross-roads in my life. Cross-roads that will change my life forever. I hope things work out for the best, but I guess the hope’s rather small. In a month, all of my questions will be answered. I know that I haven’t gotten away from my parents and I still live in their house now. After being by myself at Montevallo so much, I cannot stand being here. Still, looking at complete independence is a bit nerve wracking.

It’ll be the final phase of my complete maturation from childhood to adulthood. I guess growing up still scares me a little bit. There’s no major reason to live in fear at the moment because I’ll always be a kid at heart. It’s simply the way that I approach life. I am going to work to try to save for school firstly though. I mean come on, those student loans are ridiculous these days. Luckily though, they’re not nearly as bad when my father went to school. Not to mention, he’s still in school debt from those damned things to this day.

My relationship with Mary is going very well. Though, I must admit this proposed trip is very important to me. I am not sure how to approach it. I am willing to go see her whenever and wherever. After this trip I won't ask her to visit me again, and I'll more than happily take care of the trips from then on. Still, I need one trip with her venturing here that will end of my fears and insecurities. It seems to me that if you really love someone then you're willing to put your fears aside and dive into the unknown. I did it once already with her by going to Phoenix with no one but myself. It was scary, but I did it, and I am so glad I did. I hope that she comes here. It's really a pillar builder you know? After she's willing to do something like this, then I'll know she has committment necessary for such a relationship as this one. Mary is very secure in our relationship at this time. I think that has something to do with the fact that I voyaged over to Phoenix alone with nobody but her to depend on. I need her to do that, so that I know she's really in it till the end you know? I guess maybe I’m being a bit illogical, but it would really help my difficulties of being insecure if she comes here. You know, in a relationship, there’s has to be a line that the other can believe the one who’s important to them will be there when the chips are down. I mean that’s important in all of your close relationships, and it’s something that I must have from my significant other.

When it’s all on the line, I know I can call on Daniel, Cody, Jared and my high school friend Josh. My cousin Lex has always been there through everything as well. Granted, in our present situation it’s hard for her to really be there. Though, at this moment, this is a situation that she can be there and that she can make me feel more secure. Not to be forgotten, I miss her so much. I can’t wait to hold her again. I honestly don’t know whether she’s coming now or not. I hope that she is very much so. I need to see her, touch her, and kiss her again. It’s hard being away, but I’ll deal with it with someone who loves me enough to be with me forever. If we don’t feel that way, we’re just wasting a whole lot of time. I miss you so much baby. Whether I see you or not, you know I love you. It just would help me for years to come if you made this 3 day journey. I know it’s scary, remember I did once myself.

Sorry to rant like that ya’ll. I guess I just had some stuff I had to spill. My heart is filled with anxiety at the moment. One thing is for certain, whatever happens with all that I’m nervous about, very soon that fear will be gone. Whether for better or for worse, all of that fear and anxiety will give way to identity and sureness of where my life is and where it’s going. In addition, I’ll start reaching the last line of independence finally. The relationship questions will have been answered by that point one way or the other. I am hoping that all of this stuff goes well. If it doesn’t, I’ll live. I have been through way too much to just give up at this phase of my life. I want to do something with my life that’s meaningful and important. Whatever God has set aside for me to do, I won’t be taken of this world until I have that chance to do it. God will give me the chance to live in His glory, whether I do or not is up to me. God bless you all and everybody take care.

JIZZ!

[30 Apr 2005|04:50pm]
Your dating personality profile:

Intellectual - You consider your mind amongst your assets. Learning is not a chore but a constant search after wisdom and knowledge. You value education and rationality.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters.
Your date match profile:

Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.
Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Sensual - You aren't looking for someone who is sexually repressed. You want someone who is adventurous under the covers.
Your Top Ten Traits

1. Intellectual
2. Liberal
3. Practical
4. Sensual
5. Athletic
6. Religious
7. Romantic
8. Wealthy/Ambitious
9. Adventurous
10. Shy
Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Outgoing
2. Religious
3. Sensual
4. Intellectual
5. Practical
6. Traditional
7. Adventurous
8. Funny
9. Athletic
10. Romantic

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions
JIZZ!

[30 Apr 2005|04:32pm]
I am Jack the Ripper. Come here, my pretty ...
Which Evil Criminal are You?
A Rum and Monkey crime.
JIZZ!

Another day, not another dollar [28 Apr 2005|01:42am]
[ mood | weird ]

Well, life can certainly be strange sometimes to say the least. Today a large oak tree fell down across the street. If you think that means my family and our house was in the clear, think again. In some freak force of nature, the tree fell towards our house. Now it didn’t hit the house mind you, but it did fall directly onto the power lines. I learned something about power lines today. They’re really jammed in there hard, and they’re strong as hell too. Which, in this case wasn’t such a great thing. When the tree fell and landed directly on top of the power lines, the telephone pole with all the cable, phone, and power lines on it snapped in half. Needless to say, the event was incredibly loud. Please people remember something: My worst phobia is electricity. I am not sure who remembers that, but that’s what it is. When the tree and pole fell I was inside with no idea what was going on. I went to go open the door to my room but I heard something like popcorn hitting the side of the house. I decided that walking out that door might not be such a good idea, especially from the loud humming that I heard. The only way I could describe the noise is when you see the generators on TV start making electricity. I knew from then on that something was wrong with the power. Of course, this inference had already been on when after the loud crash the power went completely out.
When I walked outside, I saw what looked to be large black snakes crawling around the tree. In addition, the smell of an electric fire ran rampant. You guessed it! I was nearly shitting my pants in terror. I was trapped. The lines covered about 150 feet, and they thoroughly blocked off my exits. Even more freighting, that “popcorn machine” at the front of my door was our power lines on the wall and all around that area. Had I touched that door I might have been fried. Considering I had just had a shower, the massive onion smell from BO wouldn’t have been there. Consequently, it would have just smelled like fried cracker.
Well, eventually, the proper people started working on the minor disaster, but it was a little over five hours before my house had any power. On the bright side of things, I actually had a good time with a cop today. He reminded me a lot of myself, and he had an attitude towards government much the same way I did. He was incredibly funny, and we got along great. That’s the same officer who went up to my dad and said, “One of the Sheriff Deputies said you might be drunk Mr. Culverhouse. See you later.”
For once, some city official who is supposed to serve and protect does exactly that. Given my troubles with authorities in that area, I was much appreciative of his nice and fresh attitude. We probably talked for at least an hour. Before I left, I told him to tell my dad that the tree falling wasn’t my fault. I know I know. You’re probably saying, “It was a tree!! How the hell could he blame on a tree?!?” If you were honestly asking that question or something of the like, then you underestimate the preposterous nature of my father’s wrath. If something happened, whoever was there at the time is to blame, even if it’s a tornado tearing the house apart. Fortunately, upon hearing the police officer say that, my dad realized how stupid it would be to get angry with me about a tree falling down so I was spared that lecture/chewing and bitching out. And I thought my days would be boring when I finished this semester. I write again soon. Peace guys and I love you all.

7 jizzed, and counting| JIZZ!

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